love smiles, love laughter

How fast time has passed. I am soon going to sit for my exams and soon, will get over it, soon will be busy planning for SWAG then exams then graduation then work. How fast time can pass right? It is so scary. I am scared. I am sad. I am confused. I am feeling so bad right now. I dunno why. I need someone to talk to. I need someone to comfort me. I just need it. I feel so weird not having someone for me to talk to, someone to lean on and so on. Feels so weird, very saddening. Maybe it is just me feeling all these sorts of emotions when i am actually just feeling really stressed about exams. I should really start my revision already. Start doing exercises now before i get really tired. I really miss you now. >< I really should stop. I ended things, i must not hold on to it. Let the past be the past. Move on. I need to do that. I feels weird being single after so many years in a relationship. Very weird eh? I am hurt, in pain, i need to do something about this. I just can'

There has been a lot that happened since my last post. I had my first even video shoot and that was so freaking tiring. It was awesome and yet very very tiring compared to photo shoot. For photo shoot, you only need to stand still and pose but for video shooting, every different angle, you have to dance the whole choreography at least 5 times to get the  shot. Imagine how much energy we use that day. We had to gather really early in the morning which is around 6am and then make up as the video shoot planned to start at 8am. Well, the videographer arrived at 9am, so everything was delayed. Well, i would say timing is super duper important especially for the high end movie shooting or TV dramas as every single day, cash will be out to the staffs, equipments and so on. Well, for ours, it is super small scaled and everything else is pretty much free. On that day, it was my first time ever trying on dark lipstick and i love it!! I am in love with it. My friends said i look good in dark li

Why is she always confusing me. I was slowly opening myself to her but after what happened today made me curious, so curious that i don't even know if we are now friends anymore or back to ignoring mode. I really don't want the ignoring mode to happen but if that is what she chooses, i don't really mind cause i am already used to not having them around me anymore. So, it is back to the life without them. The thing i am confused about is, we chatted in whatsapp and everything seem so fine until i asked one question and she stopped replying me after seeing my message. Hmm. why? I don't even know. I know on Thursday night all of them hang out together and i asked if Aishah teased her and she said yes, but she ignored Aishah then Aishah stopped. Then when i asked, what she teased about, she stopped replying me already. I was like, hmm, why? Well, i didn't really care about it cause maybe she skipped my message. Then today at class, she sat with Aishah, well, i don't

Magic happens when you truly believe it. At first i don't believe magic, I mean, for many of us, magic means illusion but actually magic is more than that. It is more than just illusion, it is real. I read the book Secret and to see "Magic", we must be grateful for what we have. I have been writing 10 things i am grateful about everyday and that changes my life, not significantly, yet. But i believe one day, whatever i wished for will definitely come true because i appreciate, grateful for the things i have, things being given to me. I start to see things more clearly and being more and more appreciative now. I believe that as we start to appreciate things, magical things will happen, may not be significant at first but that's how great things start. Right? I am definitely going to continue writing and be more and more appreciative and grateful for everything that i have and cherish moments with the people i love even more than before. I love this moment, moment to

i guess i sort of learned something today from the blogs i follow which is not to post so much of your relationship on social media. I feel it is as if a hidden curse. LOL. i mean, 2 of the person i follow on blogger, one is Naomi and the other one is my friend. Both of them always post things on social medias showing how happy they are and etc. I feel that, that is not the way to express feelings to each other. It is beautifully portrayed in themingthing's recent videos. It is surreal. Everything in the video is so on point, so right. I am not really a social media type of person, so i hope we are safe from that.. haha Anyways, i am sorry baby for being such a bitch these few days. I really don't understand how you could stand my hot and cold temper. I realise my mistakes and i really would want to get rid of it. I just dunno what is happening to me. I think with all the stress and i think i am having PMS which leads to all these crazy roller coaster temper. I miss you wh

Finally, we are back, Hui Chee and I. I am loving it and i am happy for being with her when she needed someone to talk to. She really need someone to talk to now. Well, she is pretty confused with her own feelings. I seriously get her as i felt such way before. She was complaining on why is she feeling sad but she doesn't know it. She said she feels sad when she sees him. I waS like, you are sad because he doesn't like you back is it? She nodded. I so know her. haha. Not even kidding cause i know her. I know how she feels. It is not easy to forget the feelings/ the serious crush. Not easy but she has to understand what her feelings are telling her. Fully understand everything she feels cause if not, she will definitely suffer from the confusion and might deteriorate her relationship with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend loves her and treats her very well. And she might take that for granted and they are just too comfortable with each other i would say. Well, i can't blame tha

Had a really fun Halloween Party last night at The Roof. It was really fun, i drank pretty much but somehow when they announced that the club is closing, my body switched a button to Sober Mode. LOL i don't even know how. I know when i was in the club, i was pretty tipsy but after that, nope, not at all anymore! Pretty amazing eh? I wore high heels and obviously my front soles will be painful. It's feeling not too bad now but still painful. Physically and emotionally painful. Besides my soles, my heart aches because of the anger built up inside me. I don't understand why didn't you control yourself. Just because you don't need to drive and just because you paid for the drinks does not mean that you have to pour everything in so it is 'worth it' right? There's a word that can describe your behaviour but i just can't find what the word is yet. Yesterday, your image to the new friends, and the other NDC members are gone. Daniel, oh yeah, he puked th

I am angry, i am beyond pissed. I admit i am being emotional on this matter. I am doubting which side you are on now. No words can describe how angry i am right now. I talked to the Cheer president. I have no word to describe how stunned am i as in how did he get to be the president of Cheer? He is so chill, too chill about everything. We discussed about some personal things which is about Rachel after the meeting. He kept on asking me to talk to her. I asked him, why not ask her to talk to me instead. I really just want to clear things up with her. I really don't want to handle this glitch forever. I don't want to hold on to this pending friendship. I am comfortable with who i am mixing with now. For her, it may just be an additional friendship. i don't think we can be as close as before anymore. I just want to clear the air and know why she acted such way to me when we were in UK. The pain was unbearable. And the Cheer President is the last person to talk to, like serious

Had a great life experience yesterday where i get to attend the DELL Finance Challenge. Well, before attending this event, i thought it was just an open day yada yada but no, there's much more than just that. We were being observed since the moment we entered the office. All of us were being analysed by the DELL staffs to see who deserve to be interviewed to be eligible to their Finance Development Program (FDP). It sounds really interesting and a really different path compared to any other companies or anything that was in my mind. This is another pathway i can take, say if i am being chosen for the first interview. I learned a lot, like seriously a lot from the business simulation. It was very realistic. The "Open Day" took my whole day then once i reach Uni, i had to rush home to change to NDC t-shirt and rush to our Welcoming Night. The induction went well though there have been glitches here and there but all in all, we got new "mamak" members. haha. Not

I printed pictures that meant a lot to me and pasted on my board as said in the previous post. After i have done, i realised, i have so many great friends and family and boyfriend that i must really treasure in my life. Every single picture made me reminisce good times, really good and amazing times, full of positivity. Life is really about positivity. Surround ourselves with good people and be grateful with what we have. I have a few more pictures to print out. I am grateful to be surrounded by people who are full of love. These pictures really make me feel so grateful for what i have. Things that really, money, can't buy. Non of these pictures can be bought by anyone at any price at all cause all these memories are priceless. I also included my family, my parents' pictures, they are the pillars of my happiness. Without them, i am no one. I wouldn't be anywhere near to where i am now. I would really want to thank each and every one in the picture for being such an amazin

So I have been practicing Slow Motion by Trey Songz for the CS Fair performance. I am not performing Contemporary anymore cause i just didn't feel like it. Mhmm. I feel like my hip hop skills have improved pretty a lot. I think haha. Cause i can catch up much faster "maybe because i love the song", anyhow, Dan said i dance pretty well for the song. He corrected me bit , i get him  and viola! i got it. haha. Man, i have class later at 1-2.30pm and the performance is at 1.45pm. What to do. If i attend the class first then leave, i will only be attending for half an hour. If i go after performance, i will also only attend for half an hour. >< Maybe i will just get notes from her later during tutorial and skip her class or skip performance. But skipping performance is like not 'giving face' cause all of a sudden i disappear and others are actually willing to leave class to perform. I think i will skip this class and perform for NDC. I didn't join NDC last

Nottingham Dance Club. The club that i joined since year 1 and it never fails to attract my attention. haha. Well, i am now the Project Director, can't really get away from it now right? We discussed about gifts, merchandise to sell to the students on campus as well as to the dance members. All of a sudden i thought of drawstring bag! And now, it is right in front of me, in front of all the active members who bought it. I am really happy about it. What is said, is done. Now it is the time to sell, CS Fair on Monday and Tuesday and the members are going to be our model. Asked them all to flaunt the bag on social media as well as on campus. Man, i am seriously touched that it is a success. So far, the members liked it as well as my housemates. haha. My housemates were like, OMG, i want it to go to the gym so i don't need to carry huge bag just to go to gym. I was like, YES, this is the type of mindset i want in students on campus to buy our bag. Let's not jinx it first. We

So the first week has passed and i have been having pretty great fun during the first week. Finally get to meet my dance friends, classmates and my new housemates! My housemates are really great people. Great and really really funny. On wednesday night, we had a wasted wednesday and well, that word explains almost everything already right? At first i thought they were joking but clearly they weren't. I was pretty excited cause it has been awhile since i drank, well, actually no, I drank last week with Daniel and his TDC Fam. It was really fun too. Just didn't really like the Never Have I Ever game. It was too sexually intense! I can't really take it. haha. While on the other hand, the Wasted Wednesday, a lot of people came and we hung out and chatted and our first game was ring of fire. LOL. I was like what? So fast? I wanted to play "F*** You" but too many people and we had just one deck of cards, so gotta give it a pass. Oh yeah, before that, we went to this ill

So it has been a full of activity week and all of a sudden, i have to stay at home to clean up and pack for the Semenyih room. I am having the mixed feeling, i don't really know how to explain the feeling and emotion i am having though. Like, i am feeling more sad that finally have to set things down and go back to the reality. I really enjoyed the NDC trip. Go kart and paintball was really fun. The swimming and BBQ was really good too. I think it is like, been with a bunch of friends for the entire week and all of a sudden, boom, you are alone at home. Hmmm.. I just want to turn back time and go back to the trip. Surprisingly it was really really fun. :) Really enjoyed it. The accommodation and activity was really good, as well as the food, excluding the Ranch's breakfast and the 'meh' duck rice. LOL. Then yesterday night was really fun and grown up. haha. I think non of them got drunk, at least until we went home. I think as you get older, the more likely for you

Yayy! It is the last day of the Community Service class! I didn't look at the timetable to make extra sure of the timing. Haih. So my class is supposed to start at 12pm and i thought it'll be at 9am, well, it was 9am last week! >< Man, this is what happens when you are being over-confident. haha. Not too good. But anyways, I get to spend some time on Youtube haha. Luckily i brought my headphones and laptop man. Like seriously, if not, I'LL SERIOUSLY CRY. Wanted to go to the dance studio to choreograph contemp but it was locked and the keys are with Ily and i didn't want to wake her up so early so, i decided to just hang out here. This place is pretty nice and quiet. Not bad. I have been here for a year and yet i don't know what is this place called. Vetro i think. I don't even know that they FASS office is the orange building and i didn't even know that the building is orange ! My friends were like, are you sure you are a student here? I was like,

So, this whole week i will be having my alone time until the afternoon. I thought of dancing but may be later. Been having headaches since yesterday. Feeling rather sleepy but i slept early last night! hmm. Now it is just me n my dog.. haha. Don't really feel like going anywhere cause its raining and feel so cosy at home.. hehe. I think I'm just going to take a short shower to freshen up and then shave my armpit.. hahahaa. it has been a long while! What am i going to do for lunch later? Hmm.. Gonna start cooking something, at like 12 ish then around 1.20 will be going out to fetch my little sister. Man, what type of life is this? haha i have no idea. Shall sweep the floor later then only shower. The weather is seriously making me so sleepy... >< I don't know what are we going to do with the project man. Like everyone's timing is so different and how to group everyone together to the learning centre? OMG. >< We will see how things can go.. What to do r

Man, it feels like we've been away from each other for a pretty long time. haha. Before this it was a week and now, also a week. At least that was when i had internship but now, this one, i have nothing to do. LOL. Okay, i shall plan what to do for this entire week before the trip. Before the trip, i MUST LOSE SOME FATS! Like seriously.. >< I have been slacking on my diet pretty much during internship. Haih. So sad. Anyhow, for these 2 weeks, i am not going to have carbs, spam yoga and workout and dance! :) I found Matt Steffanina's dance tutorials and man, i can learn so much from him though i am going to bite choreography but as Dan said, it is a way to learn better. :) I shall keep my words! Start from tomorrow, my breakfast will be oats and oats only, every single day. mhmm.. I am determined to do it and i shall make myself disciplined to do it! Working out in the morning, then shall read, study bit after fetching my little sister from school then, for dinner.

So i had a great lunch yesterday at Rakuzen with my fellow colleagues. They are very very nice people. Though we didn't talk much as we had only 1 hour break and everyone was pretty hungry and couldn't wait to start their meal after 4 hours of work. I was very happy as all of them joined the lunch and they paid for my meal. I am of course very thankful as they are being the nicest colleagues i can ever have. In these short period of time, 2 months, i get to experience something really different- a real world working experience which i can never get in University. I totally forgot on thanking them before i had my meal. The whole time after the lunch, i was feeling rather uneasy as i want to Thank them so badly but i was shy... >< LOL. Then i thought of writing them an email but it felt not sincere enough. And hence, this morning, a fresh start of the day, i said thank you and hope it made their day happier. Cause i know, smiling early in the morning really changes your day

So today marked the 3rd last day of my internship and we are going to have like a department lunch later at Rakuzen. I am excited! I don't know who is going for the lunch so yeah.. haha. I will just see who are going later hehe. I am really bored here as i have nothing to do at all now. Like really nothing. I finished my work last week. When i was driving to work just now, i was thinking how nice would it be if today is the last day of work and holidayyyyy all the way to the 21st of Sept. I am actually very very excited for the semester to start! I have been away from the Malaysia campus for like a year now. And there has been like so many changes at the campus area and so on. We shall see! :) I don't know what else to write though cause i am distracted. ahaha. Watching my favourite vlog! they are just so cute together and real. They are real. hehe. Well, they are staying in San Francisco and they are living together! That is so nice! i want that but may be too early. Now i

I have been thinking a lot. I have been watching TED videos on relationships and love- trying to understand more about them. Maybe i don't understand the real meaning of love and relationship. Every relationship has 2 elements. You want predictability yet, you deem for surprises. You want security yet you crave freedom. And many more. They just butt heads. So in a relationship should know when to give surprise and when to be predictable. The effort to make a relationship last is not easy.  Next, desire. Desire can be said as a poison to a relationship. Well, depends. People will crave for more, forever more. That is when desire comes in. Why does infidelity happen even in a happy relationship? That's desire. You know it is wrong to cheat, but deep inside you want to be with someone else that you cannot be with. Strange huh? But that's how desire plays with ourselves.  The therapist (Esther Perel) said to a troubled married couple, forgo your first marriage. Do you wa

Drip drop, drip drop as the tears hit my palm. Elbows resting on the table while hands supporting my chin wondering what does life really means. What does relationship really means. What is love. While gazing at the window, i couldn't think of anything when i thought i could. With the downpour outside the window, made me realize, life is never easy. I always wanted someone who could support me without me worrying about him but i guess, no such thing. I am sad, disappointed, beyond angry at myself. Why? Is it worth it? Simple question yet no answer. I couldn't. I thought i have passed this test but no, it came back and continues to hunt me. Am i being picky? Am i being ridiculous? My head is flooded, cramped with questions without answers. I am vexed. Probably there is no such thing as felicity in my life. I wish not. drip drop mun

I love this weekend. I cleaned the house, almost the whole house, washed 2 cars then bought 2 pairs of shoes and get to hang out with le ex and spend quality time with my boyfriend :) Oh man, i love him. I don't know how i could be so honest with him. I told him what i did. Honestly, i didn't plan to tell cause it may really hurt him but i did. I just blurted it out and i don't regret it cause i have now, nothing to hide from him and i don't intend to. I have never been this honest before in any of my previous relationships. And really, surprisingly, he handled the 'news' well. I mean, he asked me why and i replied what i really felt. I really don't know why did i let her do that stuffs to me. I really don't know why. I didn't really enjoy it. Like seriously. i only want his touch and not anyone else's. Really. Though we didn't do anything for the past 2 nights due to my 'aunt's visit', his touch made me really crazy and i loved i

Girls, from my point of view, can be easily moved by a guy they love. They can easily forgive the man they love with just a simply move. For example, last night, i wouldn't stay angry until this morning, now if you have hugged me when you were going to sleep or something. Or kiss me on the cheek. Just something affectionate. But you didn't. You let me sleep alone. Maybe you thought i need my space to forgive you or something but no. I was worried, scared more than angry.Definitely more than angry.You know that saying sorry wouldn't help at all cause i believe, as cliche as it seems, "action speaks louder than words". I strongly believe in that phrase. If you are really sorry, do something about it rather than just saying sorry. From my perception of sorry, it is not truly an apology until you have done something about it. It feels like the word "sorry" is to push responsibilities away and get done with the problem you were facing. Not for me. You shoul

Im sorreh to my one and only reader of this blog that i haven't been posting anything lately. Well, as you know, i have started my internship on the 1/7/2015. I love it. I don't mind just key-in invoices, payments and so on. As long as i have something to do, i am okay. My supervisor was like, don't you feel bored? I was like, not really, as long as i have something to do then i am okay hehe. Just scared that i have nothing to do and thats it hehe. *i am such a good worker* LOL. I should do my work slower because i think i have been doing too fast that sometimes i have to wait for about an hour to do be given something to do. >< I cannot not do anything because i will definitely feel bored which leads to sleepiness. hehe. Anyways, i have been read the Malay Mail almost overtime when i am not doing anything. But i am only been reading the 1MDB stuffs which do not interest me. I am not interested in politics at all and i do not understand how things flow and so on. It

I decided to open my Facebook today. Opened my 46 notifications and the first one was 'Today is James Chong's Birthday'. My heart stopped for a second. Yes, today is his birthday. I decided to write him a short letter and sent to him via Facebook messenger. Not sure if he will read it but at least i made an effort. I don't know if he has forgiven me or not but he said before that once we break up, we are no longer friends. It's his 21st birthday and I'm pretty sure he is having fun with his bros. I get to know many friends from DU because of him and obviously it would be awkward for me to get in touch with them now after we broke up right? I am feeling rather sad now cause somehow, deep down inside, i know, i still love him. I am sorry darling for feeling this way for him because we had a rough breakup and we grew so much together since high school. I still need time to get myself together and accept the fact that we are no longer together. My heart hurts now

I am now fully transported back to Malaysia. For the past week, my mind was still sort of stuck in UK, reminiscing my moments with the friends there, the live there and everything. But today, i know why i want to come home so early. Darling, i like the us today. We talked much more than usual and did you realise i am different compared to when i first came back? I have to be honest here. When i came back, i was really still occupied with UK and everything and how i miss being with them and stuff and sort of missing Jon and stuff. == but anyhow, i asked myself, why will i like him? We have nothing in common besides dancing and that's it. He doesn't believe in love, he doesn't believe in marriage, he doesn't want to have kids which is totally opposite to what i want and beliefs. These are already red flag, signals, to show that we can only be friends and nothing more than that. I am sorry that i may not treat you that fairly and treated you pretty coldly sometimes since

Finally, every single thing is done! I feel so darn tired now. Ever since i came back, i've never fully rested before. And hence, i fell sick. Finally i went to see the doctor after for so many years actually.. haha.. Cause usually i eat Panadol and sleep and that's it. But this time seems pretty serious. I still couldn't believe that i shivered so damn hard just now. I walked out from the classroom and i couldn't stop shaking. I scared everyone around me loll. I'm sorry for making you guys worried but i really couldn't help it. I am only feeling o.k. Not fully recovered yet. Hope i can recover really soon cause i have community service project to do. >< 30hours. OMG. Where to go for 30 hours? but we can go to different sites which is reasonable and should be fine. Next week would be really busy cause i will be going out everyday to finish the 30 hours cause other group mates are not going to be around at the end of this month. have to be quick! yeah.. I

I only have a few days left here. In UK. With my friends that i meet here. I feel rather happy and sad at the same time cause i am leaving so soon and i am only getting close with my friends. >< All of them didn't want me to leave. I don't want to leave so soon too and i wasn't supposed to leave this early but because of what happened with my 'dear' flatmates, i had to. It was a spontaneous move to leave so early because i don't want to live under the same roof with them anymore cause it hurts every time when i see them. It really hurts. I can't wait to see my loved ones back in Malaysia but i hanging out with my friends here makes me feel so reluctant to head home. I feel like staying here longer and enjoy my time here, longer. But oh well. Maybe this is just fate or something right? I don't really know. I mean, as annoying as it is, i am going back early because of those flatmates. Now i feel rather stupid but i will come back soon to see my fr

I don't really know what does double standard means until last night. I went to dance with Jon and friends then we went over to my place to grab some stuffs. When we left after that, Rachel messaged me saying that shouldn't i inform the group that i am going to bring friends over cause she was about to go for a shower until she heard a guy's voice and she was wrapped in towel. I was like, they are only there for awhile and they were in my room. Like seriously? Clearly you weren't here when he came over for lunch or something. Well i didn't inform the group that i am going to bring friends over before and why now? And the thing is, after i explained myself, she said i don't understand her point and she was like, you know what, it's fine. We are leaving anyways and it won't happen again. I was like wtf? Clearly we are leaving in a few days and if we still have a few months here, telling me to inform the group is fine with me but now? Even you said it doesn

Let bygone be bygone. I believe in that. But do they? They still leave me out. Still, out. We took the same paper today but they decided to leave me out. They went out and didn't bother to ask if i would want to join them. But i guess they probably assumed that i was already out or assumed that i don't want to join them anymore or assumed that i found a new group of people to hang out with. I mean come on. You said you forgive and forget but you are doing the totally opposite of it. Don't promise or say something when you don't mean it. I said i realised my mistakes and i apologised and you said i wasn't sincere enough. You made me doubt the real meaning of sincerity. Seriously? I told my friend and he said that they are being really childish about this and come on, all for a blog? Isn't it bit too much? Come to think of it, yes it is really stupid. Overreacting, hormones imbalance perhaps? Well, that explains! I mean, why are you guys being so vengeful and hate

I am in love in TED talks now. I have a new goal for myself, a new quote, a new passion. "I am passionate about learning new things everyday and make life a little more interesting " That is why, instead of watching silly youtube videos, TED videos will be my first choice. I can find so many, seriously vast of choices for me to choose, i can choose which video to watch, i am able to let the app to surprise me with videos that suits my preference and within the time i set. Pretty cool isn't it? I find it really fascinating. Well, I'm sure you are wondering why out of the blue i would start watching TED videos. Well, it was because of one article on how to make yourself smarter. There are a few tips i remembered: First, would definitely be watching TED talks as it brings you vast of knowledge, teaches you things that you have never heard before in your life, inspire you to be someone greater than you are now, today. Secondly, meditate everyday before you start

Time flies-cliche. Oh well. 2 papers down and 4 more to go. Very very fast. I am studying for the first 3 papers for now until the 29th then it would be Insurance, the last paper. I am flying home on the 6th. I hope i have the time to pack! haha. I actually cannot wait to fly back soon! Really excited! I miss my family, i miss my love. <3. Time waits for no man. That is really true and i want you to know that no matter what decision you make when your mind is cleared, i will support you. Whatever it is, i just want you to treasure your time doing things that you are passionate about. I want you to focus on a goal that you have decided. Really, i respect and will support every decision you make. Remember, this is your path. Just remember one thing, focus. That's all. Think less on your emotions. Stop thinking too much. Stop doubting yourself. You can do anything you want. Trust me. I have good eyes and i believe my instincts. You will have many barriers to go through life, yo