Down
I am feeling really down. I have been in the library for quite some time. I need fresh air to breathe into my lungs. I feel so damn suffocated. Seriously suffocated. Not from the studying but from not being myself. I can have an alone time 1 or 2 days but not a week, not a month! I am going insane. Literally. I feel like i am going insane really soon. I feel so knotted inside. I want to cry this shyt out but i just can't. I can't cry it out. I think i cried it all out that night. There's nothing left for me to tear now. I feel so sad. I feel so angry. Mixtures of emotions are hitting me.
I don't know who to talk to. It has been like forever since i've had a real chat. I am not used to not talking for the entire day. I haven't really mixed with anybody, literally anybody these few days. I really have no idea what am i doing besides going to the library and study. I plan to go to the city tomorrow to shop and spend my heart out but i know that is not the way. I am not a shopaholic. I only buy when i need not to shop for fun or you know, shop. It's just not me. I am not me these days. Ever since the discussion, i feel so weak. I was strong, making myself to be stronger than before but sometimes i just can't handle this shyt you know. It's too painful.
I like it that i can spend time being alone and i have been alot more productive than i was ever before but you know i am not the studious type of person. I can't just face the books, essays, words, numbers for the whole damn day without talking to someone. It's so hard. I know i have to be strong now cause i am going back really soon but this is seriously killing me.. I want to find some of my friends but they are busy with courseworks and exams. I don't want to take their time you know. I am just not the 'selfish' type of person. I am not used to being this weak, having nobody, i mean physically. Back home when i had friendship problems, i had my family, my sisters to talk to, my mom, boyfriend, someone i can talk to physically. But here, i have no one. I am lonely here. I am actually holding back my tears cause i am using the university computer to blog. I didn't bring my laptop. It's a common area, though there is no one here, but i just don't want to tear here. I don't want to cry in front of anyone though i want someone to be there to pat my head and say it's okay, i'm here but i don't have anyone here. This is making me even more sad now. Okay, Emily Lim, you can do this. Hold back your damn tears and move on. I have another hour here cause the next bus i am taking is at 9.20pm. Another hour.
I have finished watching the Empire and i don't know what else i can do when i get home. I just don't know what to do anymore besides studying. I wanted to dance but the dance studio is occupied. But, i actually can use the common area beside this row of computers, literally just beside to dance.. yes i can! Let me finish this blog first then. I was happier in the morning cause i have my family to talk to and le bf. But now when they are all asleep and i feel really really lonely. I never felt this lonely before. Never. I guess, God is really testing me now. I always fear to do things alone, eat alone, go shopping alone and now he is making me doing all those stuffs ALONE. I really don't know why is he challenging me with this but you know what, i am going to accept. Though i admit i will feel super sad at times but come on, i am a human. But you know what, i will get through this shyt no matter what. It is really hard but i believe i can do this. yup.
okay, time for me to enter the common area and dance.. Hope that will make me feel better.
Will blog again when i get home and see how i feel then.
grateful and blessed
mun
I don't know who to talk to. It has been like forever since i've had a real chat. I am not used to not talking for the entire day. I haven't really mixed with anybody, literally anybody these few days. I really have no idea what am i doing besides going to the library and study. I plan to go to the city tomorrow to shop and spend my heart out but i know that is not the way. I am not a shopaholic. I only buy when i need not to shop for fun or you know, shop. It's just not me. I am not me these days. Ever since the discussion, i feel so weak. I was strong, making myself to be stronger than before but sometimes i just can't handle this shyt you know. It's too painful.
I like it that i can spend time being alone and i have been alot more productive than i was ever before but you know i am not the studious type of person. I can't just face the books, essays, words, numbers for the whole damn day without talking to someone. It's so hard. I know i have to be strong now cause i am going back really soon but this is seriously killing me.. I want to find some of my friends but they are busy with courseworks and exams. I don't want to take their time you know. I am just not the 'selfish' type of person. I am not used to being this weak, having nobody, i mean physically. Back home when i had friendship problems, i had my family, my sisters to talk to, my mom, boyfriend, someone i can talk to physically. But here, i have no one. I am lonely here. I am actually holding back my tears cause i am using the university computer to blog. I didn't bring my laptop. It's a common area, though there is no one here, but i just don't want to tear here. I don't want to cry in front of anyone though i want someone to be there to pat my head and say it's okay, i'm here but i don't have anyone here. This is making me even more sad now. Okay, Emily Lim, you can do this. Hold back your damn tears and move on. I have another hour here cause the next bus i am taking is at 9.20pm. Another hour.
I have finished watching the Empire and i don't know what else i can do when i get home. I just don't know what to do anymore besides studying. I wanted to dance but the dance studio is occupied. But, i actually can use the common area beside this row of computers, literally just beside to dance.. yes i can! Let me finish this blog first then. I was happier in the morning cause i have my family to talk to and le bf. But now when they are all asleep and i feel really really lonely. I never felt this lonely before. Never. I guess, God is really testing me now. I always fear to do things alone, eat alone, go shopping alone and now he is making me doing all those stuffs ALONE. I really don't know why is he challenging me with this but you know what, i am going to accept. Though i admit i will feel super sad at times but come on, i am a human. But you know what, i will get through this shyt no matter what. It is really hard but i believe i can do this. yup.
okay, time for me to enter the common area and dance.. Hope that will make me feel better.
Will blog again when i get home and see how i feel then.
grateful and blessed
mun
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