Fear

I have been fearing for my life of what is going to happen with me in the next few years. Where am I going to be? What am I going to have? What am I going to do? So many thoughts have been lingering in my mind past these few months and I have been sort of living in fear, at least subconsciously. Yes, I do enjoy my life when I was travelling to places with my bf. But you know that at the back of your head, you are fearing of something. Something that you can’t just say it outright. It eats you. It ate me. I was unhappy for a few months, because I don’t know what am I going to do. The uncertainties killed me or still killing me. At least I am slowly recovering from the pain, doubts, confusion. It was a bad wound. One thing that I have stopped doing when I was having those thoughts was working out and dance. I was always active with exercising and dance. I don’t know which affected which. Was it because of me stopped working out that affected my brain from producing the serotonin which led me to thinking nonsense or because of my negative thoughts that stopped me from working out because I’ve lost the drive that it became a cycle? Bad thoughts, no workout, no serotonin, feel emotionally beaten and the cycle repeats. I was scared at one point that I might have depression. Ok, I know I shouldn’t use that word lightly. But seeing people around with it , I fear that I would’ve that. I know I was feeling sad but not that extreme that I have lost hope of living. I still want to live. Eventhough it is not the ideal life that I want, but I still want to live. I still have things to look forward to. This is what I am talking about in my previous post on comparison. When you compare yourself with people of your age and seeing how much they’ve accomplished and back to where you currently is, it can be depressing. What can we do about this? What can we do to not compare. I have, ever since posted the previous blog, not clicked on instagram as often as I did before. Probably because I fear that my eyes would be glued to the screen then I will feel bad about myself and what happened to the plan to not compare?

I think, no matter what we do in life, we will compare and we fear of losing. One thing to make you feel better is to be grateful of what you have. I have a stable job, not the ideal one, but it gives me the ability to continue owning a car and spend when I needed to. Not only that, I have a very supportive family and bf that is more that I can ask for. I am also grateful that my colleagues are nice people. Yes, they are older than me and that’s why it’s better cause I get to learn from their life experiences. I am grateful for having the health and body to go whenever I want and do whatever I want. I have a longer list than all that but you get the gist. All I want to say is, even as cheesy as it sounds, find something that you are grateful for and appreciate it. That would help you to slowly climb out of a rut. I wouldn’t say I was in a bad rut but I was not the “high” me. I was low. And I tried to think of what I am grateful for that slowly helped me. I am better today than I was a few months ago and I want to maintain this phase of myself because I am happier like this. This is only the second day that I am feeling better by the way. I think working out really helps. Believe in science. Because of my personal experience, I believe in exercising.

Oh ya, I tried the F45 training and it was good! Man, really got my heart pumping. Luckily I have been going to gym. If not, I might have stopped after the first lap and vomited because that’s what happened to others. Crazy I know. I am going there again for strength training today. I am excited! And tomorrow morning , I am going paintballing. Excited as well! I like having packed schedule because it shows that I am doing something with my life. Or to show myself that my life is not that miserable, and I am moving forward.

Alrighty, that’s all from me.

Always grateful and blessed.

mun