existential questions

 Wow, it has been a long time since I have blogged! And just the other day that my BF has asked me or reminded me in a way that I have not been blogging. Yes, indeed I have not and I kinda miss it. How everything now is so visual and digitise and our social media is all about pictures and videos that we don't spend much time reading anymore, at least not online. Perhaps not everyone but it's definitely me. I have been spending so much time in a day scrolling instagram, looking at what? Just to get updated I guess. I know there's nothing important there but somehow, it's a habit know. I think the fact that I acknowledge it is a bad habit and being aware of it, means I do have a certain level of mindfulness there to want to control and to limit the social media usage which I really should. 

I have been working and then ended my day with some YouTube videos. After watching 1/2 videos, I got bored of it and this annoying constant thought in me saying these people document their lives, edit and upload it on their channels and being paid for it. Best part is , some really does well with their contents and edits. That made me wonder, what else can I do besides work and yoga. What else that I can do to monetise. And it is yoga.. I can do part time dance teaching but obviously not with the current climate. I do have my struggles and those would be me not hustling. I know many would debate and I have watched many videos on #hustling, #girlboss and etc, yes I get that but somehow I can't seem to find the drive to do that. I always thought it'll take a lot of work, which it should realistically be when you build something. But am I a builder, do I want to build. I think starting is definitely hard but once you take the first step and when you feel the momentum going, that's what will push you forward and makes you want to work harder and somehow, you'll feel the motivation oozing in you. For now, I can't seem to feel the sense of motivation, perhaps I have reached the plateau in my career that I am always thinking of what's next. This job that I have is comfortable. It gives me the reward proportionate to my hard work and I have been promoted since then. I think I am growing, I think. Now that there is a new member that has joined my team and I am currently a mentor to her, yes it's definitely exciting but now the question is, can I do more. What else. Perhaps I have too much free time in my hands that I have the space to think about all these questions, and almost having or currently having existential crisis as I am typing this blog post. hmm. 

I have had the thought of moving out of Malaysia and fortunately our organisation do promote that as we have so many offices around the globe. But yet again, what is stopping me. Essentially my role is sales and if I can't meet the KPI and the NFI, I'm out from the country. I mean, I think I would move if the role is not a sales role and perhaps there'll be less burden and less stressful, maybe. I am still thinking if I do want to move out of country and experience the four seasons life. I have personally experienced it for a year in China and UK. And to be honest, I would go back in time to relive those moments. I don't really have anything stopping me from moving, and the fact that I have my BF's support in moving as well but is it worth it. Maybe this curiosity arises because we can't travel and the fact that there is an opportunity that I could actually transfer made the situation even more real now? I can actually talk to the manager to move to New York if I want to and they can work something out. But do I really want that? Am I not pushing myself hard enough to swallow the bitter pill to grind and to experience the hard life staying overseas when I can be so comfortable here? Am I being complacent? I am not too sure myself. sigh. 

What should I do? 

I can start my own business , technically anytime cause products are there readily available for me to package them and sell them online but we have not been consistent with the planning and etc. sigh, yet again, I am questioning my sense of motivation. Why am I not driven? Perhaps, not driven enough to get something started. I am definitely feeling the lost of motivation as time passes working from home. Not easy when I am not the most self-driven person that you'll meet. But maybe I have not been giving myself enough credit that I still get things done. I still get the NFIs in, but some days are just so hard to get started.. ok, perhaps this post is getting slightly gloomy and gloomier. What should I do? I think maybe I do need some change in my life now. Maybe time to get my yoga teacher training program and have some change from there? Then we'll see where it leads me to? That's the most viable and realistic option now it seems. Even getting myself on the mat for a yoga flow is hard unless I've booked a class, well thank god I did, if not, I wouldn't be so sure what I would do. 

Perhaps I should really sink this in, acknowledge and emotions, take some time off to meditate and I would admit that after writing all these thoughts down, I feel better, not significantly but better. I do somehow able to envision myself still blogging and keeping my life updates here, sharing my complex and messy thoughts through the various phases in my life moving forward. I think I'll like that and I would do that. Keep this blog as vanilla as possible and just a platform to share! 

that's all from me now, more updates soon! 

always grateful and blessed 

mun