Fear
I have been
fearing for my life of what is going to happen with me in the next few years.
Where am I going to be? What am I going to have? What am I going to do? So many
thoughts have been lingering in my mind past these few months and I have been
sort of living in fear, at least subconsciously. Yes, I do enjoy my life when I
was travelling to places with my bf. But you know that at the back of your
head, you are fearing of something. Something that you can’t just say it outright.
It eats you. It ate me. I was unhappy for a few months, because I don’t know
what am I going to do. The uncertainties killed me or still killing me. At
least I am slowly recovering from the pain, doubts, confusion. It was a bad
wound. One thing that I have stopped doing when I was having those thoughts was
working out and dance. I was always active with exercising and dance. I don’t
know which affected which. Was it because of me stopped working out that
affected my brain from producing the serotonin which led me to thinking
nonsense or because of my negative thoughts that stopped me from working out
because I’ve lost the drive that it became a cycle? Bad thoughts, no workout,
no serotonin, feel emotionally beaten and the cycle repeats. I was scared at one
point that I might have depression. Ok, I know I shouldn’t use that word
lightly. But seeing people around with it , I fear that I would’ve that. I know
I was feeling sad but not that extreme that I have lost hope of living. I still
want to live. Eventhough it is not the ideal life that I want, but I still want
to live. I still have things to look forward to. This is what I am talking
about in my previous post on comparison. When you compare yourself with people
of your age and seeing how much they’ve accomplished and back to where you
currently is, it can be depressing. What can we do about this? What can we do
to not compare. I have, ever since posted the previous blog, not clicked on
instagram as often as I did before. Probably because I fear that my eyes would
be glued to the screen then I will feel bad about myself and what happened to
the plan to not compare?
I think, no
matter what we do in life, we will compare and we fear of losing. One thing to
make you feel better is to be grateful of what you have. I have a stable job,
not the ideal one, but it gives me the ability to continue owning a car and
spend when I needed to. Not only that, I have a very supportive family and bf
that is more that I can ask for. I am also grateful that my colleagues are nice
people. Yes, they are older than me and that’s why it’s better cause I get to
learn from their life experiences. I am grateful for having the health and body
to go whenever I want and do whatever I want. I have a longer list than all
that but you get the gist. All I want to say is, even as cheesy as it sounds,
find something that you are grateful for and appreciate it. That would help you
to slowly climb out of a rut. I wouldn’t say I was in a bad rut but I was not
the “high” me. I was low. And I tried to think of what I am grateful for that
slowly helped me. I am better today than I was a few months ago and I want to
maintain this phase of myself because I am happier like this. This is only the
second day that I am feeling better by the way. I think working out really
helps. Believe in science. Because of my personal experience, I believe in
exercising.
Oh ya, I tried
the F45 training and it was good! Man, really got my heart pumping. Luckily I have
been going to gym. If not, I might have stopped after the first lap and vomited
because that’s what happened to others. Crazy I know. I am going there again
for strength training today. I am excited! And tomorrow morning , I am going
paintballing. Excited as well! I like having packed schedule because it shows
that I am doing something with my life. Or to show myself that my life is not
that miserable, and I am moving forward.
Alrighty,
that’s all from me.
Always grateful
and blessed.
mun
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