love smiles, love laughter

I don't really know what does double standard means until last night. I went to dance with Jon and friends then we went over to my place to grab some stuffs. When we left after that, Rachel messaged me saying that shouldn't i inform the group that i am going to bring friends over cause she was about to go for a shower until she heard a guy's voice and she was wrapped in towel. I was like, they are only there for awhile and they were in my room. Like seriously? Clearly you weren't here when he came over for lunch or something. Well i didn't inform the group that i am going to bring friends over before and why now? And the thing is, after i explained myself, she said i don't understand her point and she was like, you know what, it's fine. We are leaving anyways and it won't happen again. I was like wtf? Clearly we are leaving in a few days and if we still have a few months here, telling me to inform the group is fine with me but now? Even you said it doesn...

Let bygone be bygone. I believe in that. But do they? They still leave me out. Still, out. We took the same paper today but they decided to leave me out. They went out and didn't bother to ask if i would want to join them. But i guess they probably assumed that i was already out or assumed that i don't want to join them anymore or assumed that i found a new group of people to hang out with. I mean come on. You said you forgive and forget but you are doing the totally opposite of it. Don't promise or say something when you don't mean it. I said i realised my mistakes and i apologised and you said i wasn't sincere enough. You made me doubt the real meaning of sincerity. Seriously? I told my friend and he said that they are being really childish about this and come on, all for a blog? Isn't it bit too much? Come to think of it, yes it is really stupid. Overreacting, hormones imbalance perhaps? Well, that explains! I mean, why are you guys being so vengeful and hate...

I am in love in TED talks now. I have a new goal for myself, a new quote, a new passion. "I am passionate about learning new things everyday and make life a little more interesting " That is why, instead of watching silly youtube videos, TED videos will be my first choice. I can find so many, seriously vast of choices for me to choose, i can choose which video to watch, i am able to let the app to surprise me with videos that suits my preference and within the time i set. Pretty cool isn't it? I find it really fascinating. Well, I'm sure you are wondering why out of the blue i would start watching TED videos. Well, it was because of one article on how to make yourself smarter. There are a few tips i remembered: First, would definitely be watching TED talks as it brings you vast of knowledge, teaches you things that you have never heard before in your life, inspire you to be someone greater than you are now, today. Secondly, meditate everyday before you start ...

Time flies-cliche. Oh well. 2 papers down and 4 more to go. Very very fast. I am studying for the first 3 papers for now until the 29th then it would be Insurance, the last paper. I am flying home on the 6th. I hope i have the time to pack! haha. I actually cannot wait to fly back soon! Really excited! I miss my family, i miss my love. <3. Time waits for no man. That is really true and i want you to know that no matter what decision you make when your mind is cleared, i will support you. Whatever it is, i just want you to treasure your time doing things that you are passionate about. I want you to focus on a goal that you have decided. Really, i respect and will support every decision you make. Remember, this is your path. Just remember one thing, focus. That's all. Think less on your emotions. Stop thinking too much. Stop doubting yourself. You can do anything you want. Trust me. I have good eyes and i believe my instincts. You will have many barriers to go through life, yo...

I made mistakes. HUGE mistakes i did in the exam. I re-checked my answers to the notes. I made a lot of mistakes. ALOT of them. I can feel my heart aching so much now. It is so hurtful. First time after exam, i feel so painful about the exam. The paper was EASY. I can so score it! I made silly mistakes. Really really silly mistakes. I hate myself now. I feel really sad. From this paper i get it, it is not how much you study. It is how much you focus on the details. I wasn't looking so much at the details. I just glimpsed through. Luckily this is the first paper and it woke me up. Hope this paper will not go too badly.. I have 5 more papers to "save" me, i guess..? I have to focus on details.. Details. Not only in exams, i have to be more sensitive to things surrounding me. I have never been sensitive enough to things. Like, never sensitive enough that what i said might hurt people, well i learned that now after that incident.. But now, i have to focus on details, small ...

Love is a strong word. Love is a harsh word. It makes you feel like the happiest person alive and also cuts you so deep,so painful that you feel like you are at the verge of dying. I am probably exaggerated abit but that is how i feel. Love makes you look at a person differently. Eyes don't lie. It is true that eyes are the windows of the soul. We Skyped this morning and at first, it felt a little awkward. I am sure you felt that too right? I couldn't look at you in the eye. I couldn't. I thought i could but I was wrong. We had nothing to talk about. That was a first. During shower, I was thinking, why am i making myself even more painful? Just let go. I want to! But i know deep inside, i can't let go just yet. I need him to know that i am serious bout the pain and it is not easy. I want to give in so badly. I want to say I love you before you go to bed. I want to say i miss you so much. I miss being close to you. I want to say so many things but my brain stopped me...

Life being life, always testing you no matter what. People you love hurts you the most because you care. I care about you and that is why i told you so much but to me it seems like all my 'opinions' are now in trash. I am still pissed. I can forgive you but deep down inside i know i still can't forgive you completely yet. Not so fast. What happened today was just, too much. I have never cried so much in any of my previous relationships before. Never. This is my first time. I guess there's always a first huh? and you have to be the first one to do that. Why? I am happy being with you but you make me sad and angry at the same time. The reason i chose to be with you its because i want to be with someone who is more matured than i am but after what happened today, i don't know if i have made the right decision. Are you going to make me regret my choice? I have said so much. So damn much. But it is all up to you now. I can't even say the word "i love you"...

Today i went out with my flatmates. I think we are all in good conditions cause we still laughed and chatted. Feels like we are back together. Though at first we were kind of awkward but after that, everything went pretty well. After the buffet, we went to a cosy coffee shop. Man, i love the place! It's small and cosy, and you can smell the aroma of the coffee beans. #perfect. So, we took a lot of pictures and mostly, i took pictures of them. I mean, not in the mood to take pictures haha. I only have 3 pictures with myself in it. Other than that is just them. I don't mind. I miss hanging with them. Though i was supposed to study but i don't mind spending today to rekindle old memories and to save this friendship. It is working well so far. Though i didn't really talk much with Aishah cause i still don't feel like it, but with others like Joan, Cammi, Rachel and Carmen, I'm fine. hehe. Just Aishah, i think cause i was hurt too deep by her. Oh well. Life. I have...

I finished my read, "Love Shack', it's an innocent book alright, not some Fifty Shades of Grey type of book. Though the 2nd and 3rd book of it became a normal romantic novel but oh well. Not going to go into that. Anyways, so after reading this book made me realized even more that everything happened for a reason. The reason why you just can't purchase that particular house that is so damn perfect in your eyes. There are always things that will challenge your love and it is up to you to realise it or not. But, still, it is up to fate. I never realised i liked Dan during my first year. Though we flirted but we didn't think much about it. And who knows, bam, 2nd semester, we got together. Things happened pretty quickly but everyone's love story is different. You can't expect your love story to be like the ones in the movies which is over exaggerated and made the girls' set their level of romance so damn high that can never be reached by normal guys. I l...

My weekend, Monday and Tuesday was my lazy days! and i promise it'll be my last one. Seriously i cannot lazy anymore as my exams are coming real soon!. >< Like seriously soon. Must start doing exercises and spam on practices already. That will keep me pumped up! i know it. Haha. i can't just read notes and memorise things. I need to do exercises to keep the knowledge. mhmm Today we've discussed bout our trip to Sekeping Serendah or Langkawi! I am very excited for this trip! i could already imagine what we are going to do. haha. Going to have our time in the swimming pool, have the Mud Shed all by ourselves. We can cook together, though they only provide 1 pot. *bravo* or we can spend our night BBQ. Sounds like a good plan but there's one major problem, mosquitoes. When i was young, my arms and legs are always covered with scars due to scratches. Blame the damn mosquitoes! Yeah, so when i was young, i rarely wear skirts or shorts because i was ashamed of my scars...

Hello! So i was back to the emotional me again today cause they went out for a picnic LOL. all of them except me. yay...... yeah. This morning after they left, i walked all the way to the cafe i always wanted to try out, Toast. The place is amazing! Small but feels very cosy. The food is amazing as well. Like seriously. Everything was just wonderful. Had my Earl Grey and the tea is so smooth <3 I really like this type of alone time. Then i walked to the city and had a shopping spree again. Back in Ningbo i was always online shop but here, i walked all the way to city centre to shop. LOL. I am in UK and before i came here i was like, nah I'm not going to shop, but here i am going to the city to shop.. haha. I mean, yeah, i need to get some fresh air. I really went shopping. Before this i will only go to Primark, H&M, have a stroll in Zara then home. But today, I went H&M, walked the whole place, taking my time, bought a pair of jeans <3 love it. Then went Primark and...

How i wish things would be easier How i wish things would go better How i wish i was stronger How i wish i tried harder How i wish you were here To lend me your shoulder Darling, it's so hard without you being here. Not having a family member to talk to.. it was my first time holding back my tears for so long that when i reached home i no longer want to cry anymore. It's buried deep inside my heart already that when i try to dig it out, it won't come out.. I wanted to drink my heart out, i want to cry my heart out, i want to scream my heart out but I can't. I know i must be stronger. I know i can do this. I know i can.. but when i see them going out together without me just hits me. I feel the pang in my heart. It hurts, badly. I tried to push the emotions away as i know they are going to make me weak but i couldn't resist it. I really couldn't. Sitting alone in the library, eating alone during lunch and dinner. Well, i could now say, every single meal...

I am feeling really down. I have been in the library for quite some time. I need fresh air to breathe into my lungs. I feel so damn suffocated. Seriously suffocated. Not from the studying but from not being myself. I can have an alone time 1 or 2 days but not a week, not a month! I am going insane. Literally. I feel like i am going insane really soon. I feel so knotted inside. I want to cry this shyt out but i just can't. I can't cry it out. I think i cried it all out that night. There's nothing left for me to tear now. I feel so sad. I feel so angry. Mixtures of emotions are hitting me. I don't know who to talk to. It has been like forever since i've had a real chat. I am not used to not talking for the entire day. I haven't really mixed with anybody, literally anybody these few days. I really have no idea what am i doing besides going to the library and study. I plan to go to the city tomorrow to shop and spend my heart out but i know that is not the way. I ...

i really don't know what is wrong with me now. My heart is beating so damn fast. I don't know why. Is it because of the hot chocolate? nah, i don't think so.. there's no caffeine in it.. I think i miss le bf too much. >< OMG. i miss him till the extend i might go crazy. I need him so badly. Plus these days we couldn't talk much cause he has seminar. i am really happy that he is busy now rather than staying at home.. I prefer him to be busy doing something useful than staying at home. mhmm. But that makes me miss him more that we couldn't talk much but come on, we have plenty of time to spend with each other when things are settled down right? Great achievements come with great sacrifices. I believe in that. I really don't know how my parents can endure LDR for so long. Well, they still meet every month or 2. Better than my current situation LOL. Knowing that i am flying home so soon is making me even more eager and sometimes i can't even focus on...

I listened to this song in the series Conquerer. Damn, that song hit everything i am facing now. The lyrics are so damn meaningful. Yes, we make mistake, fall on our faces but that is what is going to bring us back up. I totally believe in that. They treated me like that, I was wrong, I fell. And i will come back stronger. Yesterday was a really productive day. I studied and went for 3 hours of street dance class. Man, it was hardcore but damn good. I was exhausted after the class. Today, my body aches.. haha. but i love it. It energizes me now. :) Today i talked to Rachel, one of them. We are good. I can feel that there's a boundary already but oh well. Every single time when someone talks in the whatsapp group, i feel it was directed to me, only me. Maybe i think too much but yeah. I am 100% sure they have a whatsapp group without me. Seriously. They could've asked each other in they mini group already and then send someone to tell me in the group as if she is asking ever...