love smiles, love laughter

I have been thinking a lot. I have been watching TED videos on relationships and love- trying to understand more about them. Maybe i don't understand the real meaning of love and relationship. Every relationship has 2 elements. You want predictability yet, you deem for surprises. You want security yet you crave freedom. And many more. They just butt heads. So in a relationship should know when to give surprise and when to be predictable. The effort to make a relationship last is not easy.  Next, desire. Desire can be said as a poison to a relationship. Well, depends. People will crave for more, forever more. That is when desire comes in. Why does infidelity happen even in a happy relationship? That's desire. You know it is wrong to cheat, but deep inside you want to be with someone else that you cannot be with. Strange huh? But that's how desire plays with ourselves.  The therapist (Esther Perel) said to a troubled married couple, forgo your first marriage. Do you wa...

Drip drop, drip drop as the tears hit my palm. Elbows resting on the table while hands supporting my chin wondering what does life really means. What does relationship really means. What is love. While gazing at the window, i couldn't think of anything when i thought i could. With the downpour outside the window, made me realize, life is never easy. I always wanted someone who could support me without me worrying about him but i guess, no such thing. I am sad, disappointed, beyond angry at myself. Why? Is it worth it? Simple question yet no answer. I couldn't. I thought i have passed this test but no, it came back and continues to hunt me. Am i being picky? Am i being ridiculous? My head is flooded, cramped with questions without answers. I am vexed. Probably there is no such thing as felicity in my life. I wish not. drip drop mun

I love this weekend. I cleaned the house, almost the whole house, washed 2 cars then bought 2 pairs of shoes and get to hang out with le ex and spend quality time with my boyfriend :) Oh man, i love him. I don't know how i could be so honest with him. I told him what i did. Honestly, i didn't plan to tell cause it may really hurt him but i did. I just blurted it out and i don't regret it cause i have now, nothing to hide from him and i don't intend to. I have never been this honest before in any of my previous relationships. And really, surprisingly, he handled the 'news' well. I mean, he asked me why and i replied what i really felt. I really don't know why did i let her do that stuffs to me. I really don't know why. I didn't really enjoy it. Like seriously. i only want his touch and not anyone else's. Really. Though we didn't do anything for the past 2 nights due to my 'aunt's visit', his touch made me really crazy and i loved i...

Girls, from my point of view, can be easily moved by a guy they love. They can easily forgive the man they love with just a simply move. For example, last night, i wouldn't stay angry until this morning, now if you have hugged me when you were going to sleep or something. Or kiss me on the cheek. Just something affectionate. But you didn't. You let me sleep alone. Maybe you thought i need my space to forgive you or something but no. I was worried, scared more than angry.Definitely more than angry.You know that saying sorry wouldn't help at all cause i believe, as cliche as it seems, "action speaks louder than words". I strongly believe in that phrase. If you are really sorry, do something about it rather than just saying sorry. From my perception of sorry, it is not truly an apology until you have done something about it. It feels like the word "sorry" is to push responsibilities away and get done with the problem you were facing. Not for me. You shoul...

Im sorreh to my one and only reader of this blog that i haven't been posting anything lately. Well, as you know, i have started my internship on the 1/7/2015. I love it. I don't mind just key-in invoices, payments and so on. As long as i have something to do, i am okay. My supervisor was like, don't you feel bored? I was like, not really, as long as i have something to do then i am okay hehe. Just scared that i have nothing to do and thats it hehe. *i am such a good worker* LOL. I should do my work slower because i think i have been doing too fast that sometimes i have to wait for about an hour to do be given something to do. >< I cannot not do anything because i will definitely feel bored which leads to sleepiness. hehe. Anyways, i have been read the Malay Mail almost overtime when i am not doing anything. But i am only been reading the 1MDB stuffs which do not interest me. I am not interested in politics at all and i do not understand how things flow and so on. It...

I decided to open my Facebook today. Opened my 46 notifications and the first one was 'Today is James Chong's Birthday'. My heart stopped for a second. Yes, today is his birthday. I decided to write him a short letter and sent to him via Facebook messenger. Not sure if he will read it but at least i made an effort. I don't know if he has forgiven me or not but he said before that once we break up, we are no longer friends. It's his 21st birthday and I'm pretty sure he is having fun with his bros. I get to know many friends from DU because of him and obviously it would be awkward for me to get in touch with them now after we broke up right? I am feeling rather sad now cause somehow, deep down inside, i know, i still love him. I am sorry darling for feeling this way for him because we had a rough breakup and we grew so much together since high school. I still need time to get myself together and accept the fact that we are no longer together. My heart hurts now...

I am now fully transported back to Malaysia. For the past week, my mind was still sort of stuck in UK, reminiscing my moments with the friends there, the live there and everything. But today, i know why i want to come home so early. Darling, i like the us today. We talked much more than usual and did you realise i am different compared to when i first came back? I have to be honest here. When i came back, i was really still occupied with UK and everything and how i miss being with them and stuff and sort of missing Jon and stuff. == but anyhow, i asked myself, why will i like him? We have nothing in common besides dancing and that's it. He doesn't believe in love, he doesn't believe in marriage, he doesn't want to have kids which is totally opposite to what i want and beliefs. These are already red flag, signals, to show that we can only be friends and nothing more than that. I am sorry that i may not treat you that fairly and treated you pretty coldly sometimes since...